Honest thoughts about breastfeeding

I want to start off by saying that if you are not expecting, or you're pregnant so you haven't experienced breastfeeding yet, that yes this post is an honest one but it's just one mama's experience. Just like everyone's pregnancy is different, and everyone's birth story is different, so is everyone's breastfeeding journey. With that being said, here are some of my honest thoughts about breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is one of the most beautiful gifts so then why, at times, doesn’t it feel that way?

Tell me it’s not just me. When I am alone nursing my child I am so aware of how blessed I am. There is no better feeling than knowing that you are providing life, yes LIFE, to another human being. You are literally the only person that can breastfeed your child. I know that may seem obvious, but think about it. If you are formula feeding or pumping and bottle feeding, your husband could do it, your mom could do it, or even a friend. Literally ANYONE else could comfort your baby if they’re taking a bottle. But if you are exclusively breastfeeding, you are the ONLY one that can give your baby that comfort. That is one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever felt. I sometimes find myself just staring at their angelic little faces with tears in my eyes because I cannot believe that God made this possible for me. He gave me this tiny human that relies on me to survive. How unbelievably freakin incredible is that?? Your body is giving another human life. AMAZING. And equally… scary, and exhausting, and overwhelming. Your body is being used 24 hours a day for someone else to eat off of. You get zero breaks from being their source of nutrition and comfort. You want to leave the house for a bit to have a moment alone? Plan it around their eating schedule. You want to go to a friend’s wedding or literally any other event? Better have an outfit that is nursing friendly, or you’ll find yourself in a bathroom with your dress pulled over your head. I know you may be thinking, "if it's so overwhelming why don't you just pump and let someone else do it?" Well for starters, I hate pumping. It hurts. It really just sucks honestly. Having a machine hooked up to you where your baby should be? Awful. Having a machine you have to clean and sterilize every. single. time? Annoying. But, it is a great resource for women who REALLY need it. And second, my babies do not take bottles. I am not sure if it is because they both have a tongue tie, or if they are both just that stubborn. But they get so angry and just don't get enough milk that way. So while it is overwhelming and would be nice to get a break, I'd still rather exclusively breastfeed instead of pump and force a bottle on them. This time is such a short season in both your life and theirs. Hang in there. You got this.

Breastfeeding hormones can make you crazy. 

Sometimes I didn't want to go anywhere just because I didn't have anything to wear! Ok, wow. As I’m writing this I realize how dramatic that must sound, but it’s true. A couple months after Paxton (my now 2 year old) was born my husband’s best friend was getting married. I was supposed to go with him. For a week I tried to find a cute wedding guest dress that was also nursing friendly. I ordered a few and then tried them on. They weren’t cute. Either that or I was still just not used to my postpartum body. I finally just decided I was going to wear a dress I already had but I would have to leave to go nurse him because the dress wasn’t nursing friendly. The day before the wedding came and Paxton started cluster feeding (meaning he needed to eat basically every hour). I thought about how often I’d need to go to the bathroom to lift up my dress and feed him. It was summer. It was hot. Have you ever had to breastfeed in the hot summer months? It’s really hard!  I fell to the floor of Paxton’s bedroom and just started crying. About the dress, my body, and probably a few other things (hello postpartum hormones).   Colton came in and asked what was wrong and I told him that I wasn’t going to the wedding. I didn’t tell him it was because I didn’t have anything to wear because I knew he just wouldn’t understand. And instead of giving him a chance to understand, I just snapped. We went to marriage counseling shortly after that. But that’s a post for another day. 

People will judge you if you breastfeed too little or if you breastfeed too long. No matter what SOMEONE will have an opinion about it. 

My pediatrician recommended that I make it to at least 6 months of breastfeeding. And if I could make it longer she suggested 12 months. I made it my goal to make it to 12. I wanted to do that for my son. I was still teaching at the time and I feel like I need to write a whole blog post about the struggles of new nursing mamas at work because, boy was it a struggle. But long story short, I was only able to make it 9 and a half months before I pretty much dried up. I wasn’t given enough, or even long enough, opportunities to pump to sustain my supply. I was DEVASTATED. I cried so many tears when I had to give Paxton his first formula bottle. I felt like I failed as a mother. I couldn’t believe my body could no longer provide for him. I was jealous of all the other moms who could sustain their supply longer than me. When people would ask if I was still breastfeeding I felt so guilty saying no. I made it almost 10 months. I should have been proud, but I was ashamed. Now on the other hand, I know moms who breastfeed for 2+ years. And WOW that’s incredible, but some people will think it’s too long. People will think 3 months is too short and 3 years is too long. WHO. FREAKIN. CARES?? You do you mama. Do what your body is able. And by body I don’t just mean your boobies. I mean your mind and your mental health. If you can no longer make it another day then stop. Your baby needs a happy mom. Not a stressed out, overtired, and emotionally drained one. Scientists and doctors have worked tirelessly to come up with formulas for babies so that it almost mimics breast milk exactly. Paxton never went hungry. He was fed. He was happy. Which made ME happy. I wish I wouldn’t have put so much pressure on myself. I want YOU to know you do not need to put so much pressure on yourself! I am currently 3 months into nursing my second baby. So, however long the good Lord will let me, and however long I please, I will nurse my baby girl. 

People will judge not only the duration but also what you do with your body WHILE you’re breastfeeding. 

Isn’t that wonderful? That people have an opinion about everything? If you start drinking alcohol the moment they pop out of the womb. “But aren’t you breastfeeding?”  If you start exercising too early and watching what you eat. “But won’t that decrease your milk supply?” Like come on. Let us be. Ok, I feel like that’s all I should say about that before I start getting worked up. 

Breastfeeding can hurt. 

I mean that both physically and mentally. The first time you feel your milk come in during the let down HURTS. It’s like for 10 seconds your breasts are just two giant bruises being destroyed by your baby. Again, maybe just me being dramatic. (Speaking of let downs, if you don’t already use this milk catcher you need it! It helps relieve pressure from the other breast by catching the milk during the let down.) You want to know why they make nipple cream? Breastfeeding can hurt. Pumping can hurt. And clogged milk ducts?? Oh my, those really hurt. If you do find yourself having clogged milk ducts or mastitis (ouch) these silverette nursing cups will give you so much relief! But, don’t worry. That only lasts for a little while. You soon become numb (haha). Anywaysss.

Ok so now, MENTALLY. There are so many thoughts that go through your head as you nurse your baby - hence this entire post. "Is my baby getting enough milk?" "Am I eating enough fruits and vegetables for them?" "Am I feeding them too much?" "Do other people think I'm feeding them too much?" "Oh no is my baby too big?" "Is my baby too small???" And then you just continue to spiral. You get my point. It's a lot of pressure! The last time I fed Paxton. Hurt. I cried a lot. You're probably thinking "wow Megan you cry a lot" but like I said HORMONES can make you CRAZY. I loved the time I spent nursing him and I hated that it was coming to an end. And going from breast to bottle, like I mentioned earlier, was really hard for us. Paxton refused to take a bottle while I was working. So my mom and mother-in-law, who were watching him at the time, would have to drive him up to my work so that I could feed him. That hurt. I felt so bad for them for not being able to help him. I felt so bad for HIM for not having his mommy when he needed me. It took him SO long to finally take a bottle. We tried every single one on the market. Literally every. single. one.  This bottle was the only one that worked for us. 

I love breastfeeding. It’s amazing and doesn’t last forever so soak up those sweet moments with you and baby. And don’t let ANYONE make you feel guilty about what you choose to do with your body or your baby. You know what’s best, trust your instincts. But know that if you find yourself feeling or thinking these same thoughts, you aren’t alone. Being a mom is hard. I loved being able to talk to my other nursing mama friends during this time seeing that they too felt the same. Giving advice and sharing similar stories of motherhood is exactly why I started this blog. I know I mentioned that in my other post “surviving life with a toddler and a newborn” but I don’t think I’ll ever stop mentioning it because I believe it’s that important. Ok, I’m done rambling. 

With Love,

Megan