My husband and I went to marriage counseling
It took postpartum depression and an accumulation of built up resentment to put us in marriage counseling just a few months after our first child was born. But it shouldn’t have. I believe marriage counseling isn’t just for couples that are in the trenches. Honestly, I wish we would have started even sooner. Before the stuff hit the fan. If you read the post on “honest thoughts about breastfeeding” you’ll see that it took a hormonal meltdown for us to begin seeking help.
It was my first time being a mom. Colton’s first time being a dad. Our first time being married with a baby. We didn’t know how to navigate this new life. I had unrealistic expectations of what Colton should be doing as a husband and a father. And those unrealistic expectations were all in my head. I didn’t even let him know when he’d let me down. He just would. Then I’d hide my feelings and resent him for not reading my mind. I would silently tell him what I needed. When he didn’t hear those silent requests, I was hurt. I was angry. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t just KNOW how to be a dad. I couldn’t believe he didn’t know EXACTLY how to help me be a new mom. Instead of - get this - communicating, I bottled it all up. Then finally, and rather dramatically, I let it all out.
I said things I really wish I could take back. I hurt the man I love because to be honest, I needed help. I had postpartum depression. But I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I was in another world of just me and Paxton. I was spending all my time making sure he didn’t die (seriously that can do stuff to you) that I didn’t even recognize Colton as the man I loved anymore. He was a stranger in my house. A stranger holding my baby. I wasn’t feeling loved the way I needed to by him so to me, he was a stranger. I was able for a brief moment, and what I think now was a divine intervention, to recognize that we needed help. I told Colton I wanted to go to marriage counseling. He desperately agreed.
I remember being so nervous at our first session. Nervous to say what I really wanted to say. Nervous to hear what Colton had to say. Nervous that this man wouldn’t be able to help us. It took us a few sessions before we started to really understand each other. Our counselor recommended we figure out our love language so that we could show the other person love how they need to be loved. When we first got married Colton and I read through the “5 love languages” book and figured out Colton’s love language was “acts of service” and mine was “quality time”. That worked well for us, until I became a whole new person. That’s right. I went from Megan, the teacher, the wife, the daughter. To Megan, the new mom. All the new and different roles I took on as a new mom meant the way I felt loved was going to be different too.
Once I became a mom, my love language turned into... all of them. Before, my love language of quality time meant with Colton. But now that I was alone with a baby all day, I needed some quality time with just ME. And I needed him to understand that. I needed to hear words of affirmation that I was doing a good job. I needed physical touch, but not always in the way that he wanted. Sometimes, I just want to snuggle, you know?? I REALLY needed acts of service when I was tired and no longer wanting to clean up the house. I wanted him to pick up all my slack. I didn’t want to ask for it. I wanted him to KNOW. And the fifth one, receiving gifts? Well obviously! What mom doesn’t want a “just thinking about you” gift to make her feel loved??
It is crazy what can happen to a relationship when you put a 3rd party, non biased, looking from the outside in, mediator into the mix. You get help. You hear the silent thoughts in your partner’s head. Ones you didn’t know you needed to hear. Like “I don’t understand what’s going on, Megan is the love of my life and an incredible mother. I just wish she could see what I see.” I needed that. Or after a few sessions he said “today I saw Megan smile when I got home. It made my whole day.” He shared those thoughts with our counselor. And because we went to counseling he now shares those thoughts with me.
I am not a marriage expert. Or a relationship guru. But I do know that marriage counseling helped us. I know everyone knows "communication is key” but sometimes when you’re in the thick of things, like… I don’t know… newborn life. You just need someone else to hear you. I don’t believe that it should be a stigma. It shouldn’t be looked down upon like, “oh no Megan and Colton are in marriage counseling their marriage must suck.” No. It didn’t suck. We just needed help. Like, I am sure, most couples do. Venting to your best friend is one thing. But guess who’s side they’re on? Our counselor heard us. Both. Separately. And helped guide us to resolutions I don’t believe we could have done on our own given the circumstances. I am so thankful for our time spent in counseling. I am so thankful to have a husband who was willing to put in the work with me. Our marriage is better because of it. He is feeling heard. I am feeling heard. We both know how to love each other better.
When we pour love into each other it overflows onto our children. Don’t be afraid to get help. Don’t feel embarrassed. Don’t feel like it means your marriage is in danger. It doesn’t. My dad used to always say to me “I’ve never been a dad to a teenager. You’ve never been 13. Let’s figure this out together and give each other some slack.” Now I’m telling you. You’ve never been a mom, he’s never been a dad. Figuring it out together can be hard. Get the help you need and your marriage deserves.
With love,
Megan