Happiness is not the goal
I’m depressed and I didn’t know it.
I know what you’re thinking, how did you not know? How would you not know how you’re feeling? I get it. I thought that too. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t look depressed. I’m not in bed all day. I’m not crying in a corner. I smile, I take care of my kids, I get out with my friends, I do stuff.
Turns out you can be depressed and not know it. I lost my brother last year. 2021 was the most traumatic year of my life. To add to it my husband is going through some chronic health issues (I won’t get into it because that’s his story to tell) but it’s been very, very hard for him. Therefore it’s hard for me to watch someone I love experience this. I have two very heavy things I’m dealing with every day, while also trying to deal with every day.
I have been tired and I mean tiiirrreddd for a few months. I thought something was physically wrong with me. I thought I had some hormone issues or thyroid issues so I went to get blood work done. When they called to tell me everything looked normal, that I was healthy, it honestly upset me. Because it didn’t answer the question of “why the heck am I so tired!”
Then when telling my best friend this on the way to dinner one night she mentioned I might be depressed. I didn’t believe it because, like I said, I don’t feel depressed. But according to my therapist. I am. I am moderately depressed. She told me it was normal to be depressed after a traumatic event in my life. Depression is one of the stages of grief and I don’t know why I missed that one. One step closer to acceptance I guess. She mentioned meds would probably help me but since I am functioning okay I don’t need them. And I don’t want them, yet.
Today I complained that I’m doing everything right to be happy. I get enough sleep. I exercise. I eat healthy food. I get outside. I pray and read the Bible. I have hope. Why am I not happy? Why do things that used to bring me joy no longer bring me joy? Why can’t I fall asleep at night?? Why am I so tired that I cant pick up that thing on the floor when I walk past it? I told her I try so hard to be happy. Then I’m around my husband who’s sick and unhappy. And then I lose everything I worked hard for. I work so hard to be happy. And then I replay losing my brother over in my head and I lose that happiness once again.
She said something that completely shifted my mindset. She said, “what if happiness is not the goal?” Whaaatttt.
I think I literally looked at her like she was crazy. What do you mean happiness is not the goal??
She said, “what would you tell your children? If they asked you what is the purpose of life? Would you say happiness?”
With actual tears in my eyes and pit in my stomach I heard God so loud and so clearly and He said, “to serve others” and through tears. That’s what I told her. That’s what I talk to my kids about every night before bed. Why would it not be the same for me.
She nodded back at me and said, “yes. I don’t think there’s one place in the Bible that says happiness is the goal. Love God. Love others. And then joy and peace will come” then she said, “what if your brother and your husband aren’t people who are robbing you of your happiness, but instead they’re put in your life for you to love and serve and show others how to love and serve” and WOW. God was speaking through her so loudly today. Happiness is not the goal. Happiness is not the purpose of life. Happiness is a result of serving and loving God. This is the verse that came to mind when she said that:
“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” - psalm 37:4
I may need to go back and get meds. We will see. And if I do, I know I’m doing it because I want to be the best version of me I can be so that I can love and serve others. But for now I’m going to work on that mindset shift.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m going to continue to do all the things I do for myself. Like sleep, exercise, healthy eating, sunshine. Etc. Self care is important. But I was doing it to serve me. So that at the end of the day I could be happy. I was focusing so hard on ME that it became harder and harder to love others.
Lord, make me a servant for You. For my brothers and sisters. Help me to show every neighbor who You are. Help me to love like You. And God thank You. For Jesus. The ultimate servant, to show me just how it’s done. Thank you for showing me there’s hope in this life to achieve happiness as a byproduct of loving You. And loving others.
Amen
